I first heard of the idea of 'third culture kids' from Dan, sitting around our kitchen table in Sydney, talking about a possible move to Helsinki. It had been an idea often used in the thinking of Marco Steinberg and the others in Sitra's Strategic Design Unit. 'Third culture kids' are defined as children who grow up outside of their parent's passport country. Dan and I are not third culture kids, but the idea has resonance with both of us, perhaps partly because my father was a refugee from Eastern Europe, and Dan spent the first few years of his life in Switzerland.
I was also interested because I had for quite a while resolved myself to the fact that the idea of 'home' would not be a straightforward one for me. Adolescent restlessness had cemented itself with eight years living in London: both Brisbane and London felt like home now. But neither completely - there was always some restlessness in each place, some discomfort. Living in Sydney for the next four years had shown me that it was not easy to move back. I had resigned myself to the fact that there would always be some pull to the other place.
As a couple where one of us was from Australia, one from England, this is magnified: both us feel the pull to our families, on opposite sides of the world. And now we have two kids in the equation, who we pull along with us.
One of the hardest things for me, moving from Sydney, was taking Ollie (then three years old) out of his lovely preschool, away from our very good local friends and from his familiar neighbourhood. He feels the move more strongly than us, perhaps because for him, Sydney was more unambiguously 'home'.
So now, settled in Helsinki, I am more cautious about moving again. That's not to say that we won't - just that the decision weighs heavier.
When I realised there was a book about third culture kids, it didn't take me long to download and read it. I can't say I loved the book, as the tone tended to be a bit hokey at times. But there were some interesting points that I want to remember in the coming months and years. They center around the importance of acknowledging and remembering the experience of living elsewhere, and of finding ways to support the development of children's identity when the cultures around them are shifting.
Offer comfort. Moving away can cause grief, and the best way to deal with that is to acknowledge it, and not to ignore it or try to solve it, but to offer comfort. Be there for the children, let them know that their sadness is real and acknowledged. Just be with them through the sadness.
Talk to the children about them being third culture kids. Helping them to name their situation helps them to understand their situation, and why they are different, which is an important part of them forming their identity.
Form family rituals. Simple family rituals are especially important for third culture kids. They can be very simple (e.g. you get to choose your meal on your birthday) but are a good way of creating rhythm and structure, especially when the family may move every few years.
Have a strong network. If you are living away from family, have other adults who the kids can look up to; trusted people who are part of their lives.
The importance of objects. Objects that remind you and the children of their previous homes can be a good way of acknowledging and remembering the experience of living elsewhere.
Take care on re-entry. Moving back to your home country is very different to visiting. Treat re-entry seriously, plan for it and make sure that both adults and children have support during the process.
